Does your brain get twisted into a pretzel trying to decipher how her brain works? Wondering what to do? MLT's relationship expert clears it all up for you.

In this day and age, mankind has figured out how to engineer a nanoparticle to walk the dog, bring in the mail and empty the crumbs from the kitchen toaster. And yet, your lady (or the lady you want) can still confound you with wants and needs you just don’t understand.

Is there some way to hack into this FOS (Female Operating System)? Maybe an online translator that can interpret the language of the modern girlfriend?

Well, we can’t clue you into every inexplicable thing she does. But we can highlight the most familiar (no doubt) scenarios and give you a cross-sectioned, 3-D snapshot of her brain at that moment along with a little bonus perspective.

Here, the top 10 confounding girlfriend mysteries, defounded:

Mystery No. 1: She wears killer shoes.

She insists on wearing shoes that have no resemblance to the human foot, then complains that her feet are killing her.

Her brain:

She knows how sexy these skyscraper heels make her legs look -- no matter what her weight. (Bonus: Unlike her other clothes, her shoes always fit since her feet stay the same size.) There is a God.

How to handle:

Don’t even try to convince her that loafers are sexy. Besides, you too like how those heels make her stems look! Just make sure she has a chair, stool or lap to sit on at all times.

Mystery No. 2: She’s fickle with frenemies.

She can go from BFF to mortal enemy with someone within 48 hours (and revert back in 72).

Her brain:

They talk a lot more than guys, start talking younger, and in general, use a lot more words. So of course women argue more -- it’s a numbers game.

How to handle:

Is this really crazy behavior? What do two boxers do at the end of bloody fight? They hug like old high school pals. See, we aren’t that different. Just try to jump ahead and envision her endgame, and you’ll get fewer surprises.

Mystery No. 3: Her self-esteem is a fashion victim.

An article of clothing can make her feel thin or fat.

Her brain:

Since she’s been old enough to point and say “I want,” she has been subliminally and not so subliminally marketed to. Of course she actually believes that those pants -- and this hairspray, that lip gloss and that perfume -- can actually make her into a different person (the pushup bra excluded, ingenious wicked invention that was).

How to handle:

Tell her that nothing makes her look fat to you and that her skinny clothes indeed make her look very lean. She’ll roll her eyes at how dumb you are in the first scenario (“Just look at my ass in that skirt! It needs its own zip code!) and smile at the second.

Mystery No. 4: She gets flash hunger attacks.

When she gets hungry, she has to eat “right now” or she’ll faint. (Didn’t she see it coming?)

Her brain:

It’s just wired more delicately when it comes to intake and output of energy. Because of hormonal changes throughout the month, at times she needs more “fuel” than others. Plus, she’s by nature a caretaker, so tuning into her own grumbling stomach comes last. Result: You have that girl clawing at you to stop at a 7-Eleven for a snack of nuts … or anything!

How to handle:

Don’t take this as a nuisance; see it as a fantastic opportunity to look like a great guy when you stop to get her a yogurt or banana.

Mystery No. 5: She clones her clothes.

She buys multiple items of clothing that look exactly the same.

Her brain:

Girlfriend: “How does this look?”

(You squint. Don’t say it. Don’t! We warned you.)

You: “Don’t you have one just like it?”

The consequences: She rewards you with a long list of reasons why the second identical little black thingie is better than the first.

How to handle:

Instead of stating the obvious, the correct response would have simply been, “Great!” Plus, now you know what to get her for Valentine’s Day: something that looks exactly like something she has.

Mystery No. 6: She bans many foods.

One food can become vilified virtually overnight. (Salad dressing has to be on the side, etc.)

Her brain:

Every week, magazine after magazine uncovers a new reason America is obese. Add to this the Armageddon-like disaster of a hint of cellulite somewhere, and no wonder she can count a meal’s calories faster than you can say, “We’re ready to order.”

How to handle:

Encourage less neurotic eating habits, and make sure to over-tip the poor bullied waitress who was interrogated about e-v-e-r-y s-i-n-g-l-e ingredient in her dish.

Mystery No. 7: She’s BFFs with celebs.

She feels perfectly entitled to talk about an actress/singer/socialite and that celebrity’s outfits/boyfriend/makeup in detail, though she’s never actually met her (and probably never will).

Her brain:

She’s grown up with Lindsay and Britney. Their pain has been hers; their struggles and successes hers as well.

How to handle:

You can either fight the power by making her clarify “Lohan” or “Spears” every time or just know that it’s one of 20 celebs that are pretty much interchangeable anyway.

Mystery No. 8: She preps forever.

“Throwing on some jeans” takes at least half an hour.

Her brain:

Looking “spontaneous” takes time and effort. Her mental process: “Makeup, a touch-up with the curling iron … hmm, maybe I’ll floss while it warms up. Better cover up that zit too.”

How to handle:

Take a chill pill on this one.

Mystery No. 9: She hairballs the pipes.

Much like steel wool, small dense nests of her long hair clog the sink and shower drains constantly.

Her brain:

She has to trim, color, style, straighten, curl and fluff. We assume you don’t.

How to handle:

This is the price you pay for her beauty: having to yank this stuff out of bathroom pipes. Just look unphased.

Mystery No. 10: She’s 360-degree self-obsessed.

She’s as obsessed about looking as good from the back and sides as from the front (hence the yoga-inspired contortions in front of the mirror to inspect herself from all angles).

Her brain:

Half the time people look at her, it’s from the back, right?

How to handle:

Keep in mind you benefit when you get a glimpse of that thong peeking out from her pants -- which she’s totally aware of. See how it all works?

When times get tough, the financially challenged get romantic. That is, they can if they follow these thrifty -- but effective -- dating strategies.

Even if you’re not sitting on a trust fund or earning big bucks, you can still show a lady a great time on just a little dough. And if you are well-off, these tips can still help you date well, since the amount of money spent on a date doesn’t necessarily equal the amount of fun to be had. Follow these five low-cost dating strategies, and you’ll get great ROI (Romance on Investment).

 

Get Retro
Ask her about board games she liked as a kid. Then go out and actually get them. (Her sweet tooth for “Candyland” will only cost you $12.99 on eBay, or -- if you’re lucky -- she’ll say “Battleship,” only $11.95 on eBay.) She’ll squeal with surprise -- not in a Deliverance kind of way.
Why this works: You asked about her past, you remembered her response, you went out, scouted for that game and found it. Women consider effort, especially when the process involves several steps, an amazing feat for guys. Use that to your advantage.
Caution: Do not drop hints beforehand -- she’ll inevitably think it’s bigger/shinier and be disappointed regardless of what you get. This way, she’s totally surprised.

Break a Sweat
Believe it or not, she’s been waiting for someone to take her to the park -- the one with the rubber tires and monkey bars. Just be sure to avoid after-school hours -- kick it up after the kiddies go home for dinner.
Why this works: She gets to talk about herself. She’ll tell you about how she once cracked a tooth on the asphalt, did an amazing summersault off the swings and survived the wrath of mean girl Stacey Abramowitz in sixth grade. Bottom line: She’ll feel like you really know her and this little adventure has brought you together.
Caution: You haven’t done a standing flip off the top of the slide in at least a couple of years. Maybe you’ve grown, gained weight or just remember the ground as being farther away. Leave gymnastics to the pros.

Get Classic
Bring over some movies like Casablanca or Gone with the Wind. She’ll tag you a Renaissance man akin to Rick or Rhett (even if your real goal is to avoid having to sit through another contemporary chick flick). Alternative: Pick up season one of her favorite TV show (maybe it’s “Friends,” “Weeds” -- hopefully anything but “Sex and the City”).
Why this works: Rather than scream “cheap date,” the evening will sing “romance.” Plus, you can top it off with some of your special gourmet popcorn (a la bag!).
Caution: Maybe she did say she liked Black Hawk Down, but resist the urge.

Be Silly
Whether it’s doing Mad Libs together or teaming up against another couple for charades, you’ll be taking advantage of the fact that the language and interaction part of her brain is bigger. See, while men like doing things in a parallel way (like sitting side by side watching sports), research shows women like face-to-face and verbal interaction.
Why this works: She gets back-and-forth time with you and gets to use words.
Caution: Learn what an adverb and a reflexive pronoun are before playing Mad Libs or you’ll look like a tool.

Give a Little
Ask her to join you at the soup kitchen. No, not to eat there, dummy -- to do volunteer work. Although you won’t label this a real “date,” afterward, you’ll enjoy the fresh afterglow of having done some good in the world, which will give you both a warm and fuzzy feeling that’s very … date-like.
Why this works: Wow, how cool, you care about others! What a breath of fresh air!
Caution: Make sure to pick a cause you really like -- your heartfelt mission to help will render you irresistible.

Ever wonder where the love of your life went? Just look her up online! But be warned -- you may not like what you find.

Janie Sherwin married the first boy she ever dated. She just did it 10 years after they broke up.

She and Howie were 14 when they first locked lips, but they decided they had some living to do before they could commit. So, they ditched after their second date. “But I never stopped thinking about him,” says Janie.

She packed up her memories when she moved away, and Bobby “dated a ton of chicks” before a short-lived marriage. But divorce turned his thoughts to his first love. “I looked her up on Facebook,” he says. Within minutes he found her and sent a message. “Then I thought she might have me arrested for harassment.”

Wrong!

“It’s like we were never out of touch,” says Janie. “We emailed -- a lot -- then agreed to meet. Within months, we decided to get married.”

For most folks, first loves were Super-Bowl-size events. The imprint on your emotional Etch A Sketch can’t be shaken. So when you get nostalgic … you’re unearthing some serious stuff.

In her book, Lost and Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romance, Nancy Kalish, who holds a doctorate in psychology, reports that of the 1,300 people she surveyed, 25 would reunite with lost loves if they could. Now the Web makes the process a lost love layup.

A Classmates Web site survey revealed that 39 percent of their users -- or 14.7 million people -- said they used the site to look up an old love. So whether it’s Google, MySpace, Facebook or Twitter, it’s easy to let your fingers do the walking to locate old loves. The trend is so prominent, they have a name for digital daters who party in the past: retrosexuals.

It may be easy to find somebody online. The hard part is figuring out whether it’s the right thing to do, because sometimes, high-speed Internet “connections” have bugs.

Debbie, a 28-year-old dentist, was “friended” by her teenage squeeze on MySpace. “At first it was amazing,” she says. “I had always wondered what had happened to Ken, and suddenly, he was back in my life.”

The bad news? They were both married.

“My husband found out we were flirting online, and we ended up divorcing.” Which happily left the door open for Ken, right?

Wrong!

“He didn’t want to commit,” says Debbie. “It was the worst decision I ever made.”

So, be forewarned men! “People feel like they don’t need to be honest online,” says New York relationship counselor JoAnn Magdoff, who urges retro-romancers to do their homework before wining and dining online. “They might have innocent intentions, but they also have the entire Internet to hide their baggage, whether it is a marriage or a relationship.”

Kalish’s book indicates that 62 percent of the married folks who reconnected wound up having an affair -- even though they say they didn’t intend to.

Magdoff warns that you need to get a clear grasp of what you’re looking for before reaching out to touch someone from your past. Here are Magdoff’s essential strategies for retro-romancers to keep a past perfect romance from getting present tense:

Know your motivation. “What’s going on in your present life that’s forcing you to reach into the past? Do you really miss this person, or are you just dissatisfied with things right now? Put your focus on fixing the present before you dredge up the past.”

Level your expectations. “People age differently,” says Magdoff. Somebody who looked like Taylor Swift a decade ago may have, uh, “changed.” “Be smart,” she adds. “If her Facebook photo looks suspiciously like her yearbook pic, she might not be entirely honest.”

Remember why you reached out in the first place. “Make sure these people are who you remember them to be,” warns Magdoff. “Memories may be powerful but not always accurate. Engage in a lot of online dialogue to determine whether she exhibits the same qualities she had when you were kids.” If your memory says sweet and innocent but her emails say smug and sarcastic, drop this continuing-education class.

Ensure everyone is briefed before any debriefings. “If you’re married, and you’re looking to reconnect with an old friend … great. Just make sure everybody knows it.” That means tell the girl why you’re reaching out and let your girlfriend know you’re doing it. “If you’re not hooked up and you’re looking for love, ask her if she’s available and wants the same.” If you don’t, you’re leaving a ton of stuff unsaid. And when it finally is said ... you might not want to hear it.

Need a few sure signs to know she is that into you? Here they are.

Life is short. So when you’re out on the town meeting new women, no point in wasting time. How can you tell which ladies really welcome seduction? What clues do they give off? Here’s a guide to the things they say and do that mean they dig you.

She makes eye contact If you haven’t met yet but catch her looking at you then glancing away, then checking back to see if you’re still looking at her … this is a sign, gentlemen! Even better: She keeps you in her keen peripheral vision (8 to 4 o’clock) or dispatches her friends to covertly track your moves. Yes, this sounds totally juvenile, but it never changes -- no matter how old she is. Just make sure she’s actually staring at you, not the Tom Brady look-alike next to you (or Tom Brady himself, because nothing’s more embarrassing than responding to her glances with your best sexy look only to find you’re standing under the TV set during a good game).

She smiles, tells you her name and starts throwing off physical signals Good signs are that she’s ruffling her feathers: hair fluffing, twirling, extra giggling, strutting or wiggling around. And think you’re so sly sneaking a peak at her cleavage? Dummy -- she was letting you look. Meanwhile, is she politely shooing away people who drift in to interrupt? That’s awesome! She’s trying to keep the party to two.

She searches for commonalities Any. Thing. At. All. A favorite candy you had as a kid, water sports, late-night sitcoms. And if you really seem to have nothing in common? She says, “Wow! I’ve always wanted to try that,” regardless of whether you’re yammering on about shark-cage diving or a wrought iron class. But if she frowns at you blankly, clearly having no clue what you’re talking about, move on. She might actually do the moving on for you by enlisting her wing girl, introducing you both as lovers of water parks/Juicy Fruit/“Seinfeld,” then jetting for the bathroom, never to return.

She touches you That may mean she touches your shoulder when she leans in to talk or gives you a friendly jab in the ribs. Subtly test waters by letting your knee rest on hers. She lets it stay there? Score! If she’s taking great pains not to let any part of her body linger near yours or if she recoils abruptly at your touch, even by accident, move on!

She’s taking the interaction to another level by a) clarifying that she’s talking about an ex-boyfriend, not a current one, when she says “we”, b) asking open-ended questions about you that require long answers, and c) dissuading you from leaving and going to the next party (or at least being very forward in opining that you should come back if it sucks).

Looking to win the affections of a fair lady? You’ll have to slay the competition first. Here, classic combat advice.

You’re at a party and you spot her: the girl of your dreams. But wait -- she’s apparently the girl of the dreams of at least five other guys there. (They’re the fellas surrounding her at the onion dip.) So how do you divide and conquer -- as in, slay them and get her alone so you can impress her big-time? Here’s classic advice on how to thin the herd and win the dame.

“Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price.” -- Sun Tzu
Whether it’s offering to drive her and her friends across town, buying her a few expensive “girlie” drinks or missing the tug-of-war competition going on outside (because her wing woman is in the middle of an endless story), accept that success has a cost. Do the math: Anything that puts you in the black is a good “investment,” especially when your competitor gets crossed off the “Has Potential” list because he thinks his one-liners and pouty lips should be enough to keep her attention.

“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight; it’s the size of the fight in the dog.”-- Mark Twain
Stand your ground. In an attempt to thwart your advances, other men will insult, mock or at least render you unworthy to make themselves look better in the eyes of your beloved. Don't take the bait and become combative or defensive, even if your rival cites your unemployment status and living arrangements with your mommy. Keep quiet and calm, and he’ll look immature and eventually slink away in defeat. She may look like she’s just hanging out having a good time, but in her complex female brain, she’s seeing who’s more tenacious (you). Regardless of what size dog you are, it’s about how much heart you have. 

“No one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality.” -- Bruce Lee
Never underestimate the possibility of a Hail Mary. Don’t assume you’ve lost -- ever. That she’s taking 20 minutes in the bathroom or is giggling over your competitor’s Barack Obama impression means nothing. Until the final seconds when the bell sounds -- or the party host gives you the end-of-night heave-ho -- you could be on the cusp of a huge upset and win by a nose.

“We exist in a universe which co-exists with a multitude of others in the same physical space. For certain brief periods of time, an area of their space overlaps an area of ours.” -- Spock, “The Tholian Web,” stardate 5693.2
Or in non-Vulcan words: play well with others. More than your shoes or choice of body spray, she’s seeing how you interact with people. Sure, her wish list is an oxymoronic inventory of co-existing polar opposites (“assertive but sweet,” “sensitive but masculine,” etc.), but she’s actually very alert to your including people, being polite and making sure others feel comfortable.

“Prepare yourself for the world, as the athletes used to do for their exercise; oil your mind and your manners to give them the necessary suppleness and flexibility; strength alone will not do.” -- Lord Chesterfield
Be flexible in your tactics. All the other contenders are one-upping each other by trying to make her laugh and are telling her, “Gee, your hair smells terrific” and “Whoa, you have great calves!” You’re the only one who makes sure her bag is by her side. Be creative and you’ll stand out.

If all else fails, and you need some inspiration, hum a line or two from “Love is a Battlefield”: “We are young, heartache to heartache we stand, no promises, no demands ….”