Here’s a guy who anybody would want to get behind … especially when he whips down a slide behind the outfield wall into a pool of Pabst Blue Ribbon whenever a Milwaukee Brewer bangs one into the bleachers. His blond handlebar brush suggests a blue-collar man’s man who puts his heart and soul into giving hard-working Americans an old-fashioned good time.

Says Lana …

“Obviously, this is an exaggerated characterization of the American ideal of a working man. The mustache is beyond cartoonish, but you can imagine it being modeled on that of a broad-shouldered brewer of the early 20th century. If you’re looking to emulate a look, that’s not a bad one to shoot for -- he looks like a young Robert Redford as the Sundance Kid. To achieve it, simply grow your mustache as thick and as far out beyond your lip line on either side of your mouth as possible. Make sure to groom around it; if the rest of your face is cleanly shaved, it’ll emphasize the impressive size of the ’stache itself. Then use a little mustache wax to brush the ends so they extend from your cheeks. Not too much, though. This is supposed to look mean and natural.”

The reigning Mustache Monarch in all of sports, this guy has a baseball head the size of a medicine ball and a mustache to match. A popular ESPN commercial spot about a network mustache contest pits the Big Red Machine mascot against Cincinnati’s reigning National League MVP Joey Votto and broadcaster John Ravetch. When Ravetch and Mr. Redlegs go nose-to-nose in an uncomfortable men’s room confrontation (is there any other kind?), Ravetch’s threat -- “You’re going down!" -- sounds as empty as the brains of the cast of “Jersey Shore.”

Says Lana …

“The only way to measure this mustache is to compare it to the wingspan on a stealth bomber. But the look, of course, is an outsized version of a very cool style favored by ballplayers in both the 19th and 20th centuries. To approximate it, you’ll need to dampen your ’stache and comb it flat with a small mustache brush. Your strokes should start out in the middle and fan out to the ends. After rinsing your brush, apply mustache wax to it and stroke your mustache with the same motion, ensuring that the wax permeates all the bristles. When you’re done, squeeze a little wax onto your fingertips and twist the ends up in an upward and outward motion so that they point to the sky and give you that Wyatt Earp look that kept Kevin Costner up to his chaps in chicks in the mid-’90s.”

The gun-slinging sidekick of the OSU Cowboys has a waxed-out ’stache with thin turned-up ends, allowing for evil finger-twisting opportunities not seen since Snidely Whiplash was lashing Dudley Do-Right’s dame to the train tracks every Saturday morning. Sadly, Pete had his pants pulled down -- or, more accurately, his mustache yanked off -- by a rival mascot at a game between OSU and Utah State a couple of years back. We were treated to one of the best mascot brawls on the books, but when Pete’s brush was revealed to be fake, it effectively shot his reputation to hell.

Says Lana …

“Pete put up a noble fight to preserve his school’s honor, but after he was stripped of his ’stache, he became a cowboy exposed as being full of bull. If you want to replicate this cheesy look anyway, just head to any costume store with $1.99 for a brush that wraps around your mug with a rubber band. Not where you want to be, boys.”

If you’re seeking that special Lord of Asgard look, this is your man, er, god. Modeled after a Norse warrior, this dude sweats more testosterone than an MMA pay-per-view event. He also offers an axe and shield as key talking points to anybody who might want to publicly doubt his total dudeness.

Says Lana (a little weak-kneed) …
“This guy is more macho than the entire Marine Corps. If you can grow a ’stache this … virile … here’s how to keep it in shape. First, you’ll want to trim it down to a controllable level with a pair of grooming scissors: To do so, dampen the hairs with water and comb down. Working from the middle out and continuing to comb the strays down before each clip, use a small pair of mustache scissors to snip across the bottom of the mustache for a smooth, even line. Then do the same to the outer edges of the top down to the outer edges on the chin for distinct parameters. Now that you have your outline, you can trim the bulk of the inner mustache. Don’t cut too much at first! This will allow you to judge how short you want to go. You can always cut more, but you can’t put anything back. Now comb through it once more to root out any hairs you might have missed and snip them off. You’re done, Olaf! It’s time to growl into the mirror, grab your axe and head out for a glamorous evening sacking the town!”